Casino Humor

Selective memory 

Heading out of the casino after another bad night of losses, a gambler tells his friend: "My wife has got the worst memory I've ever seen," to which the friend responds: "Forgets your winnings, does she?" 

"No," responds the man, "She remembers all my losses." 

Pack your bags 

A man rushes into the house and yells at his wife: "Pack up your things, I just won big on blackjack at the casino." "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold", she replies, to which he responds: "I don't care. Just as long as you're out of the house by noon." 

Tibet or not Tibet 

Wife number 1:"My husband's going to a casino in Asia." Wife number 2:"Tibet?" Wife number 1: "Of course, why else would he go?" 

Marry me 

Have you heard the one about the man who says to his girlfriend, "I bet you won't marry me." Not only does she call him but she also raises him five! 

High steaks 

A man walks into a butcher shop and asks: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says yes, to which the man points to the top shelf and says: "I bet you $50 you can't reach up and touch the meat hanging up here." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that," to which the man responds: "I thought you were a gambling man." "I am," said the butcher, "but the stakes are too high." 

Losing his mind 

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a "Mind Bet". You stand behind the game, watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. Rather than bet with real money, you only ever bet in your mind. 

Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

Blonde moment 

A man walks into a casino to play craps. He sees a blonde woman at the drinks machine with a bag full of Coke bottles, and notices she's still buying more, so the man thinks nothing of it and returns to the craps table. Later on, he heads to the toilet, and on his way sees the blonde woman still at the machine with five bags full of Coke cans. When he asks her what she's doing, she responds, "Duh, I'm winning." 

Splitting tens 
Q: When is the right time to split two tens at Blackjack? 

A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat. 

Roulette joke

A woman goes to the casino for the first time, where she immediately finds herself at the roulette table. A young man helps her out by telling her she should play her age. Thanking the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she collapses to the floor. 

No drinking or gambling 

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asks, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"